The old me is dead.
The me that fell in love and wanted to get married and have a future with someone
Is dead.
The me that had all of these ideas and aspirations and images of a future to work towards
Is dead.
In place of my previous life, i have acquired a new skillset.
How to say nothing.
How to ignore.
How to disappear.
How to hide.
How to do everything.
How to stop expecting.
How to stop measuring.
How to stop caring.
I have managed to get myself down to less than 5 interactions per day.
Less than 2 sentences spoken per day.
I have become so good at these skills, they all run on autopilot now.
I don't even have to think about it.
I have become a husband.
I suddenly see the similarities in myself, my father, and all other married men cursed with awful women.
And i see the truth.
They are all awful.
The only men who survive are the ones who learn to live with the awfulness.
Or the ones who completely ignore their requests, and treat them like slaves.
There is no love.
There is no family.
There is only pain.
Painful survival.
Painful existence.
What have i achieved?
At least there's no more fighting.
At least things actually get done around the house now
At least the children are not exposed to the negativity
It's eerie, but now i realize all of the parallels in my own parents growing up.
And i thought my parents were perfect.
I thought that's just how they showed love to each other.
I embraced this as the way our family worked.
And it completely messed up the way i interpret and show love.
I am at a point now where i feel like a tree that has been cut halfway.
At least i've managed to stop the damage
I'm not the person i used to be.
I never will be again.
But i'm not dead yet.
I cannot bear fruit.
I cannot provide shelter.
I cannot produce anything useful.
All i can do right now is survive.
And grow.
Grow and heal.
Someday i may return to being a productive person.
But until then, i need to be selfish.
I need to survive.
