Get Out! Go Away!

These words hold so much weight. And can cause so much pain, especially when used unfairly, out of frustration and anger.

My son does not like to sleep.
I offer to take him to the other bedroom to allow my wife to sleep.
Of course he cries to no end about wanting to stay with mummy.
Wife then mutters something about daddy being of no help, then Get out! Go Away!

And i have to hold back and pretend that i am not hurt.
I have to pretend that right now everything is okay.

Everything is not okay.
A piece of me has again..permanently died.

There is no recourse.
There is no fixing this.
She isn't going to come and say sorry.
Instead, she will stay up til the wee hours on her phone, then wake up and complain she got no sleep because of child crying, and giving me dirty looks because "daddy is of no help"

If i was actually no help, this would not bother me as much as it does.
I would not be up writing this garbage if it didn't bother me.
This is all i can do to prevent me from breaking something, or doing something stupid.

It is so easy to drive someone else to do completely mad things.
Be wary of the words you speak.
Frustration and anger are not excuses.

Realizations

"I have no expectations because you don't have enough money"

She dropped this line on me while attempting to discuss her birthday plans, which she decided to cancel because she agreed that we are having financial problems.

I pay for everything.
I pay for her office.
I pay for the children.
I pay for her expenses.
I pay for myself.

Her reckless spending has gotten us into this hole, which i had tried to avoid many times in the past, but to no avail.
She does not listen.
All she wants to do is continue with the lifestyle she currently has, regardless of financial reality, and the fact that she is not making any money, and totally expecting me to just foot all of the bills.
If i ever bring up any kind of conversation about alternatives, and what we can do, she doesn't want to hear about it.
This basically sounds like a plan to bleed me dry and then walk out when the money is done.
I feel like the only solution at this point is to just not have any money, so there will be nothing to bleed, and see what happens from there.

How to learn anything

1. Decide on a goal
2. Deconstruct into the smallest skills (subskills) required
1. Practice each of those subskills first
3. Research
1. Choose 3-5 resources and skim them
2. Look for common recurring themes, advice, ideas
3. Focus on those
4. Self-correct as you practice
4. Remove barriers to practice
1. Remove all distractions
2. commit to practice time or practice goals
5. Commit to 20 hours of focused practice time before you begin

I am tired

I am tired of my wife not believing in me
I am tired of people telling me what they think is right
I am tired of other people telling me how to spend my money
I am tired of being under appreciated
I am tired of holding my tongue
I am tired of being polite
I am tired of putting up with other people' s shortcomings
I am tired of having to be the person to fill in the gaps
I am tired of being responsible
I am tired of measuring success
I am tired of pretending
I am tired of shitty neighbours
I am tired of my own niceness
I am tired of myself
I am tired of supporting other people
I am tired of explaining myself
I am tired of paying for other people's mistakes
I am tired of this prison
I am tired of expectations, careless and unrealistic
I am tired of blind sheep and loud parrots
I am tired of being tired

Stupid Fights

Don't warm up that chicken

Don't give him the toothbrush first

What do i want to do with my life?

The most honest, illogical, heartfelt answer i can come up with

I Want to save the world.
I Want to be a hero.


I have always wanted it, since i was a child. I felt that internal need to sacrifice myself for the good of earth and the planet. It was never about me.
People like to use cliche phrases like "Lack of motivation", "Low self-esteem"
I've always felt that they just didn't get it. I am motivated. I am totally comfortable with myself.
You just don't understand what you're seeing, and you're placing me into the closest mental container you have for people like me.

Why i am getting divorced.

• I am not happy
• I no longer receive the most basic actions of respect, diligence, peace, or positivity
• I am being treated unfairly
• I do more than my share, and it goes unnoticed, and at the same time is criticized
• I no longer have any motivation or ambition to improve anything for anyone
• Did i contribute to this situation?
• Yes i did
• I am just as responsible for this outcome as my wife
• I did not care enough to to anything about the situation, because deep down, i was never happy
• I chose to ignore the facts, and believe that i could "live with her shortcomings"
• That was my mistake
• Why does it all go wrong?
• Being boyfriend/girlfriend is different from being husband/wife
• One relationship ends, the other begins. No matter how long you have been together, you do not know what this person will be like when they are married (unless they have been married before)
• Being Mother/Father is different from being Husband/Wife
• One relationship ends, the other begins. No matter how long you have been together, you do not know what this person will be like when they have children (unless they have had children before)
• More children makes it harder
• Meddling parents makes it harder
• There is a fine line between being helpful and supportive, and being meddlesome
• Parents have to learn this on their own
• Lack of money makes it harder
• Love is not enough
• Honesty is not the best policy
• You need to learn how to tell people exactly what they want to hear, and not the truth
• Truth leads to unhappiness and resentment
• 
  
• What have i learned?
• Find someone who knows the value of time, money, respect
• Find someone who is constructive
• Find someone with strong breeding and good genes, with no mental illness, genetic disorders or learning disabilities in the family (These things matter when the children show up)
• Culture, Religion, Class, Race ALL MATTER
• Love is not enough
• How can i predict the future?
• Look at her mother, she will be exactly like her
• Look at her father, you will be just as happy as he is, if you are exactly like him
• Look at their home, your home will look the exact same way
• Look at how they treat each other, you will be treated the same way