The new normal

The old me is dead.
The me that fell in love and wanted to get married and have a future with someone
Is dead.
The me that had all of these ideas and aspirations and images of a future to work towards
Is dead.
In place of my previous life, i have acquired a new skillset.
How to say nothing.
How to ignore.
How to disappear.
How to hide.
How to do everything.
How to stop expecting.
How to stop measuring.

How to stop caring.
I have managed to get myself down to less than 5 interactions per day.
Less than 2 sentences spoken per day.

I have become so good at these skills, they all run on autopilot now.
I don't even have to think about it.

I have become a husband.
I suddenly see the similarities in myself, my father, and all other married men cursed with awful women.
And i see the truth.
They are all awful.
The only men who survive are the ones who learn to live with the awfulness.
Or the ones who completely ignore their requests, and treat them like slaves.

There is no love.
There is no family.
There is only pain.
Painful survival.
Painful existence.

What have i achieved?
At least there's no more fighting.
At least things actually get done around the house now
At least the children are not exposed to the negativity
It's eerie, but now i realize all of the parallels in my own parents growing up.
And i thought my parents were perfect.
I thought that's just how they showed love to each other.
I embraced this as the way our family worked.
And it completely messed up the way i interpret and show love.

I am at a point now where i feel like a tree that has been cut halfway.
At least i've managed to stop the damage
I'm not the person i used to be.
I never will be again.
But i'm not dead yet.
I cannot bear fruit.
I cannot provide shelter.
I cannot produce anything useful.
All i can do right now is survive.
And grow.
Grow and heal.
Someday i may return to being a productive person.
But until then, i need to be selfish.
I need to survive.

Remedial Therapy Week 2

Therapy week of March 16^th, 2020

Sentence Completion (oral)

Sometimes I feel                    

Tomorrow I will go to

Do you like

That boy in my class

She saw me at

I got hit by

My feelings are hurt when

I am very good at

Yesterday I

The children at my school are

Can I

I get confused when

Behind me is

Following Directions 1

Say, “Listen to each sentence. Raise your hand if the sentence is a direction.”

1. Our teacher was sick today. (no)

2. Write your name at the top of the paper. (yes)

3. Count the hands of everyone who will ride the bus tomorrow. (yes)

4. We had a spelling test today. (no)

5. Raise your hand if you have a question. (yes)

6. Maddie broke her arm. (no)

7. Read the first ten pages of the book. (yes)

8. Look in the table of contents to see what page Chapter 4 starts on. (yes)

9. The rainbow didn’t last long after the storm. (no)

10. Logan left his backpack on the bus. (no)

11. Add the numbers in the column and write the answer below the line. (yes)

12. After you read the story, answer the questions on the bottom of the page. (yes)

13. Stand up quickly and line up at the door in single file. (yes)

14. Amanda went to the science museum on Saturday. (no)

15. Choose a country to do your presentation on. (yes)

16. We played the music loudly. (no)

17. Jack wrote a short story about life on Mars. (no)

18. Use the dictionary to look up any words you don’t know how to spell. (yes)

19. Read all of the directions before you begin. (yes)

20. Explain why the main character helped the king. (yes)

was / were (oral options)

We                                      late for school.

She                                     at the park.

Sally                                    doing her homework.

The dogs                              barking.

The children                         fighting.

This                                     in my school bag.

The TV                                 off.

These books                             misplaced.

Mummy                                at Hi Lo.

The computers                              in the library.

My friend                             crying.

The teacher                          in class.

He                                       at the doctor.

has / have (oral options as before)

Do you                                 my book?

They                                    Ninjago toys.

We                                      to go now.

John                                    a bruise on his knee.

The boys                              bikes.

Daddy                                  a new car.

The TV                                 a remote.

My kitchen                           a table.

The plane                             powerful engines.

The plant                             leaves.

The girls                               dolls.

My mum                               a red dress.

Who                                     my blue shirt?

Think of…

something big:

something green:

something hot:

something small:

something round:

something yellow:

something new:

something square:

something long:

something tall:

something wet:

something old:

something seen at night:

something scary:

something ugly:

something at school:

something beautiful:

something sparkling:

something for writing:

something to sit on:

something that flickers:

something you like to eat:

something on TV:

something to do:

something on a plane:

2-Step Directions

Clap your hands. Blink your eyes.

Touch your nose. Point to the door.

Raise your arm. Nod your head.

Close your eyes. Show me two fingers.

Tell me your name. Touch your mouth.

Show your right hand. Blow.

The reasons why i divorced my wife

"The children only start behaving bad when you're around"
"What's that smell?" *Looks at me* (It's never me)
"One of us has to be the responsible one"
"He's been an annoyance for the last 15 years"

Biochar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svNg5w7WY0k

https://www.chelseagreen.com/2019/how-to-make-biochar/

What you need to know before you get married

• All of your current and previous expectations of marriage are wrong
• Think of each person as a unique machine, requiring unique amounts of variable inputs at variable times, and producing variable outputs at variable times, depending on the inputs being fed in
• A marriage is like having the inputs and outputs of two of these machines connected to each other, in addition to each other machine in their lives
• Sometimes, things may synchronize beautifully, and each machine produces exactly what is required by the other machine
• Most times however, it is just a random mish mash of inputs and outputs, and randomly,  something useful gets produced, along with mostly wasted resources, and a lot of mess
• True happiness in a marriage comes from being able to truly and deeply understand both machines
• Before you get married, understand exactly what the other person truly needs, how much of it, and how often
• Understand exactly what the other person produces, how much of it, and how often
• Examine yourself truthfully and without bias
• Can you provide what they need? In the right amounts? At the right rate?
• Can they provide what you need? In the right amounts? At the right rate?
• If the gap is too large, do not be afraid to walk away
• Unhappy marriage does not benefit anyone. You are doing everyone a favor by avoiding it
• Things will never be perfect, there will always be wasted resources, there will always be mess and failure.
• Learn how to deal with it without blaming anyone
• People will change as the situations change. Look at their current family as a reference guide for what their future behaviour may look like
• As each child comes along, behaviour changes drastically
• As money comes along, or is lost, behaviour changes drastically

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Some Buddhist Advice

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• According to Buddhist teaching, in a marriage, the husband can expect the following qualities from his wife:
  • — love
  • — attentiveness
  • — family obligations
  • — faithfulness
  • — child-care
  • — thrift
  • — the provision of meals
  • — to calm him down when he is upset
  • — sweetness in everything
  In return, the wife's expectation from husband is:
  • — tenderness
  • — courtesy
  • — sociability
  • — security
  • — fairness
  • — loyalty
  • — honesty
  • — good companionship
  • — moral support
• What to expect of your wife
• a) not harbor evil thoughts against her husband;
• b) not be cruel, harsh or domineering;
• c) not be spendthrift but should be economical and live within her means;
• d) guard and save her husband's hard-earned earnings and property;
• e) always be attentive and chaste in mind and action;
• f) be faithful and harbor no thought of any adulterous acts;
• g) be refined in speech and polite in action;
• h) be kind, industrious and hardworking;
• i) be thoughtful and compassionate towards her husband, and her attitude should equate that of a mother's love and concern for the protection of her only son;
• j) be modest and respectful;
• k) be cool, calm and understanding — serving not only as a wife but also as a friend and advisor when the need arises.
• What to do as a husband
• The Buddha, in reply to a householder as to how a husband should minister to his wife declared that the husband should always honor and respect his wife, by being faithful to her, by giving her the requisite authority to manage domestic affairs and by giving her befitting ornaments. This advice, given over twenty five centuries ago, still stands good for today.

Rules for happy family

• https://www.ted.com/talks/bruce_feiler_agile_programming_for_your_family#t-973400
•  
• Adapt all the time
• Empower your children
• Tell your story
• Always Try to achieve happiness. Believe that it is possible.

Get Out! Go Away!

These words hold so much weight. And can cause so much pain, especially when used unfairly, out of frustration and anger.

My son does not like to sleep.
I offer to take him to the other bedroom to allow my wife to sleep.
Of course he cries to no end about wanting to stay with mummy.
Wife then mutters something about daddy being of no help, then Get out! Go Away!

And i have to hold back and pretend that i am not hurt.
I have to pretend that right now everything is okay.

Everything is not okay.
A piece of me has again..permanently died.

There is no recourse.
There is no fixing this.
She isn't going to come and say sorry.
Instead, she will stay up til the wee hours on her phone, then wake up and complain she got no sleep because of child crying, and giving me dirty looks because "daddy is of no help"

If i was actually no help, this would not bother me as much as it does.
I would not be up writing this garbage if it didn't bother me.
This is all i can do to prevent me from breaking something, or doing something stupid.

It is so easy to drive someone else to do completely mad things.
Be wary of the words you speak.
Frustration and anger are not excuses.