The Plan

 Sell everything

go dark

Buy a hotel and live in it.

I am not good enough to provide the life she wants for our children.

Mutters under her breath to our daughter when daughter is visibly upset she has to leave

"I'm just trying to show you a better life"

 Careless comment?

I believe it's one of those moments of true honesty that is rarely displayed

You come into my life

take everything i have to give

drain all of my resources with your bad decisions and poor behaviour

then leave because "this isn't the life you expected"

Any response i give will label me as the "bad guy"

"cheapskate"

"overbearing"

Maybe it's time i try to show ME a better life since my efforts on you have obviously failed.

The problem with women

 They put themselves in bad situations with no planning or forethought

Get into trouble

Then complain that everything is wrong, destroy and damage everything around them justifying their anger because things are not working out for them.

Trial Separation

Today, we confirmed our separation to begin in August for 6 months.

She takes the kids, and we see where it goes from there.

Who knows what is the correct thing to do in this situation?

Divorce Movies

Husbands and Wives
Kramer vs Kramer

What to look for in a wife

If she does not have these traits by the time you get engaged, she never will.

1. Respects her father and her family
2. Understands the value of scheduling and being on time
3. Understands the value of money
4. Strong communication skills
5. Has a hobby or something she is passionate about

These are minimum requirements for a good partner, and justify a hard stop to any relationship if they cannot be achieved.

Do not believe that these things can be worked on or learned over time.

If a person's core personality does not hold these traits in high regard, they will never develop or value them in themselves, in you, OR IN YOUR CHILDREN.

It means that this person is not suitable for a serious relationship, and needs more time on their own to grow as a person before progressing to anything more complicated.

Sight words

https://www.k12reader.com/dolch-word-list/

Family goals - Minimize conflict. Emotional navigation. Communication rules.

1. Conflict-Free household
1. You win if the children grow up and leave home in a conflict-free household
2. love, communication, companionship all come second and are not true goals
2. Use Wise Words 
1. Learn to control what you say, and how you say it. This is of utmost importance.
1. Avoid imprecise language. Global arguments invoke global responses.
2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp9b2Hf7QWg
1. Dots communication https://dotscommunication.com/
2. Purple Dot https://dotscommunication.com/purple-dot/
1. Just tell me what you want. Lots of talking to themselves. "I Know"
2. WHAT. Must feel valued.
1. Lots of praise
3. Red Dot
1. Logical thought, bullet points. Just do it.
2. WHERE. Must be honest.
1. Give respect. Give control.
4. Yellow Dot
1. OCD. Puts up signs. Identify errors. Look for wins.
2. WHEN. Pictorialist. Time sensitive. Detail oriented
1. Take them out for a nice lunch in a pretty location
5. Blue Dots
1. Keep the peace. Feelings and sensations. Hand On, want things to go well. "I feel"
2.  WHY. Takes time to develop a "feel". Must feel secure and comfortable.
3. Learn Relationship Skills
1. Insight
1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDk
2. Mutuality
3. Emotion Regulation
4. Learn Emotional Rules/Laws
1. Personal Triggers based on historical events or upbringing
2. Awareness of personal, and other triggers
1. What's getting triggered in me?
2. What am i afraid of?
3. What is underneath that?
4. What do i need to heal in me to not respond like this, and remove this trigger?
1. Usually rooted in Pain, Fear, Shame
3. Avoid being triggered, or control trigger response
1. Uncertainty=Fear=Criticism=Unhelpful State (Defensive, Stop Listening, non-communicative)
4. Respond to the other person's need first with love and empathy
5. Positive Projection
1. Treat everyone the way you would treat the person you treat best

How we got to this point

1. I will always blame myself first and foremost, and think i could have done more
1. Doing more requires me to sacrifice myself and my core values and sanity
2. So the tradeoff is submit to her demands = mindless slave puppet
1. this does not even guarantee happy marriage
3. End result, i stop at sacrificing my core values
2. Biggest core value infractions
1. She has no respect for me or my family
2. She has no respect for time
3. She has no respect for money
3. Did i know about this before we got married?
1. She always got along with my family...until we got married
2. She was always late. I ignored this thinking it would improve. I was wrong.
3. She was never good with money. I ignored this thinking it would improve. I was wrong.
4. All of the infractions have built up in me over time to generate permanent anger towards her
1. Unless her behavior changes in these three areas, nothing can be resolved
5. Next Steps/Recommendations
1. Find someone who knows the value of respect

Discernment Counseling

1. Determining if the best course of action is to 
1. go to couples therapy
1. restructure family
2. actually get divorced
1. restructure family
3. keep the status quo
1. Mental breakdown
2. How we got to this point
3. 
   

The Family Life Cycle

https://opentextbc.ca/introductiontosociology2ndedition/chapter/chapter-14-marriage-and-family/

One of the first designs of the family life cycle was developed by Paul Glick in 1955

Stage	Family Type	Children
1	Marriage Family	Childless
2	Procreation Family	Children ages 0 to 2.5
3	Preschooler Family	Children ages 2.5 to 6
4	School-age Family	Children ages 6–13
5	Teenage Family	Children ages 13–20
6	Launching Family	Children begin to leave home
7	Empty Nest Family	“Empty nest”; adult children have left home

Next Steps

Stoicism.
Marcus Aurelius - Meditations
Focus on Virtues
View family as characters, apply game logic
Goal logic

The new normal

The old me is dead.
The me that fell in love and wanted to get married and have a future with someone
Is dead.
The me that had all of these ideas and aspirations and images of a future to work towards
Is dead.
In place of my previous life, i have acquired a new skillset.
How to say nothing.
How to ignore.
How to disappear.
How to hide.
How to do everything.
How to stop expecting.
How to stop measuring.

How to stop caring.
I have managed to get myself down to less than 5 interactions per day.
Less than 2 sentences spoken per day.

I have become so good at these skills, they all run on autopilot now.
I don't even have to think about it.

I have become a husband.
I suddenly see the similarities in myself, my father, and all other married men cursed with awful women.
And i see the truth.
They are all awful.
The only men who survive are the ones who learn to live with the awfulness.
Or the ones who completely ignore their requests, and treat them like slaves.

There is no love.
There is no family.
There is only pain.
Painful survival.
Painful existence.

What have i achieved?
At least there's no more fighting.
At least things actually get done around the house now
At least the children are not exposed to the negativity
It's eerie, but now i realize all of the parallels in my own parents growing up.
And i thought my parents were perfect.
I thought that's just how they showed love to each other.
I embraced this as the way our family worked.
And it completely messed up the way i interpret and show love.

I am at a point now where i feel like a tree that has been cut halfway.
At least i've managed to stop the damage
I'm not the person i used to be.
I never will be again.
But i'm not dead yet.
I cannot bear fruit.
I cannot provide shelter.
I cannot produce anything useful.
All i can do right now is survive.
And grow.
Grow and heal.
Someday i may return to being a productive person.
But until then, i need to be selfish.
I need to survive.

Remedial Therapy Week 2

Therapy week of March 16^th, 2020

Sentence Completion (oral)

Sometimes I feel                    

Tomorrow I will go to

Do you like

That boy in my class

She saw me at

I got hit by

My feelings are hurt when

I am very good at

Yesterday I

The children at my school are

Can I

I get confused when

Behind me is

Following Directions 1

Say, “Listen to each sentence. Raise your hand if the sentence is a direction.”

1. Our teacher was sick today. (no)

2. Write your name at the top of the paper. (yes)

3. Count the hands of everyone who will ride the bus tomorrow. (yes)

4. We had a spelling test today. (no)

5. Raise your hand if you have a question. (yes)

6. Maddie broke her arm. (no)

7. Read the first ten pages of the book. (yes)

8. Look in the table of contents to see what page Chapter 4 starts on. (yes)

9. The rainbow didn’t last long after the storm. (no)

10. Logan left his backpack on the bus. (no)

11. Add the numbers in the column and write the answer below the line. (yes)

12. After you read the story, answer the questions on the bottom of the page. (yes)

13. Stand up quickly and line up at the door in single file. (yes)

14. Amanda went to the science museum on Saturday. (no)

15. Choose a country to do your presentation on. (yes)

16. We played the music loudly. (no)

17. Jack wrote a short story about life on Mars. (no)

18. Use the dictionary to look up any words you don’t know how to spell. (yes)

19. Read all of the directions before you begin. (yes)

20. Explain why the main character helped the king. (yes)

was / were (oral options)

We                                      late for school.

She                                     at the park.

Sally                                    doing her homework.

The dogs                              barking.

The children                         fighting.

This                                     in my school bag.

The TV                                 off.

These books                             misplaced.

Mummy                                at Hi Lo.

The computers                              in the library.

My friend                             crying.

The teacher                          in class.

He                                       at the doctor.

has / have (oral options as before)

Do you                                 my book?

They                                    Ninjago toys.

We                                      to go now.

John                                    a bruise on his knee.

The boys                              bikes.

Daddy                                  a new car.

The TV                                 a remote.

My kitchen                           a table.

The plane                             powerful engines.

The plant                             leaves.

The girls                               dolls.

My mum                               a red dress.

Who                                     my blue shirt?

Think of…

something big:

something green:

something hot:

something small:

something round:

something yellow:

something new:

something square:

something long:

something tall:

something wet:

something old:

something seen at night:

something scary:

something ugly:

something at school:

something beautiful:

something sparkling:

something for writing:

something to sit on:

something that flickers:

something you like to eat:

something on TV:

something to do:

something on a plane:

2-Step Directions

Clap your hands. Blink your eyes.

Touch your nose. Point to the door.

Raise your arm. Nod your head.

Close your eyes. Show me two fingers.

Tell me your name. Touch your mouth.

Show your right hand. Blow.