Sight words

https://www.k12reader.com/dolch-word-list/

Family goals - Minimize conflict. Emotional navigation. Communication rules.

1. Conflict-Free household
1. You win if the children grow up and leave home in a conflict-free household
2. love, communication, companionship all come second and are not true goals
2. Use Wise Words 
1. Learn to control what you say, and how you say it. This is of utmost importance.
1. Avoid imprecise language. Global arguments invoke global responses.
2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp9b2Hf7QWg
1. Dots communication https://dotscommunication.com/
2. Purple Dot https://dotscommunication.com/purple-dot/
1. Just tell me what you want. Lots of talking to themselves. "I Know"
2. WHAT. Must feel valued.
1. Lots of praise
3. Red Dot
1. Logical thought, bullet points. Just do it.
2. WHERE. Must be honest.
1. Give respect. Give control.
4. Yellow Dot
1. OCD. Puts up signs. Identify errors. Look for wins.
2. WHEN. Pictorialist. Time sensitive. Detail oriented
1. Take them out for a nice lunch in a pretty location
5. Blue Dots
1. Keep the peace. Feelings and sensations. Hand On, want things to go well. "I feel"
2.  WHY. Takes time to develop a "feel". Must feel secure and comfortable.
3. Learn Relationship Skills
1. Insight
1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDk
2. Mutuality
3. Emotion Regulation
4. Learn Emotional Rules/Laws
1. Personal Triggers based on historical events or upbringing
2. Awareness of personal, and other triggers
1. What's getting triggered in me?
2. What am i afraid of?
3. What is underneath that?
4. What do i need to heal in me to not respond like this, and remove this trigger?
1. Usually rooted in Pain, Fear, Shame
3. Avoid being triggered, or control trigger response
1. Uncertainty=Fear=Criticism=Unhelpful State (Defensive, Stop Listening, non-communicative)
4. Respond to the other person's need first with love and empathy
5. Positive Projection
1. Treat everyone the way you would treat the person you treat best

How we got to this point

1. I will always blame myself first and foremost, and think i could have done more
1. Doing more requires me to sacrifice myself and my core values and sanity
2. So the tradeoff is submit to her demands = mindless slave puppet
1. this does not even guarantee happy marriage
3. End result, i stop at sacrificing my core values
2. Biggest core value infractions
1. She has no respect for me or my family
2. She has no respect for time
3. She has no respect for money
3. Did i know about this before we got married?
1. She always got along with my family...until we got married
2. She was always late. I ignored this thinking it would improve. I was wrong.
3. She was never good with money. I ignored this thinking it would improve. I was wrong.
4. All of the infractions have built up in me over time to generate permanent anger towards her
1. Unless her behavior changes in these three areas, nothing can be resolved
5. Next Steps/Recommendations
1. Find someone who knows the value of respect

Discernment Counseling

1. Determining if the best course of action is to 
1. go to couples therapy
1. restructure family
2. actually get divorced
1. restructure family
3. keep the status quo
1. Mental breakdown
2. How we got to this point
3. 
   

The Family Life Cycle

https://opentextbc.ca/introductiontosociology2ndedition/chapter/chapter-14-marriage-and-family/

One of the first designs of the family life cycle was developed by Paul Glick in 1955

Stage	Family Type	Children
1	Marriage Family	Childless
2	Procreation Family	Children ages 0 to 2.5
3	Preschooler Family	Children ages 2.5 to 6
4	School-age Family	Children ages 6–13
5	Teenage Family	Children ages 13–20
6	Launching Family	Children begin to leave home
7	Empty Nest Family	“Empty nest”; adult children have left home

Next Steps

Stoicism.
Marcus Aurelius - Meditations
Focus on Virtues
View family as characters, apply game logic
Goal logic

The new normal

The old me is dead.
The me that fell in love and wanted to get married and have a future with someone
Is dead.
The me that had all of these ideas and aspirations and images of a future to work towards
Is dead.
In place of my previous life, i have acquired a new skillset.
How to say nothing.
How to ignore.
How to disappear.
How to hide.
How to do everything.
How to stop expecting.
How to stop measuring.

How to stop caring.
I have managed to get myself down to less than 5 interactions per day.
Less than 2 sentences spoken per day.

I have become so good at these skills, they all run on autopilot now.
I don't even have to think about it.

I have become a husband.
I suddenly see the similarities in myself, my father, and all other married men cursed with awful women.
And i see the truth.
They are all awful.
The only men who survive are the ones who learn to live with the awfulness.
Or the ones who completely ignore their requests, and treat them like slaves.

There is no love.
There is no family.
There is only pain.
Painful survival.
Painful existence.

What have i achieved?
At least there's no more fighting.
At least things actually get done around the house now
At least the children are not exposed to the negativity
It's eerie, but now i realize all of the parallels in my own parents growing up.
And i thought my parents were perfect.
I thought that's just how they showed love to each other.
I embraced this as the way our family worked.
And it completely messed up the way i interpret and show love.

I am at a point now where i feel like a tree that has been cut halfway.
At least i've managed to stop the damage
I'm not the person i used to be.
I never will be again.
But i'm not dead yet.
I cannot bear fruit.
I cannot provide shelter.
I cannot produce anything useful.
All i can do right now is survive.
And grow.
Grow and heal.
Someday i may return to being a productive person.
But until then, i need to be selfish.
I need to survive.