I am tired

I am tired of my wife not believing in me
I am tired of people telling me what they think is right
I am tired of other people telling me how to spend my money
I am tired of being under appreciated
I am tired of holding my tongue
I am tired of being polite
I am tired of putting up with other people' s shortcomings
I am tired of having to be the person to fill in the gaps
I am tired of being responsible
I am tired of measuring success
I am tired of pretending
I am tired of shitty neighbours
I am tired of my own niceness
I am tired of myself
I am tired of supporting other people
I am tired of explaining myself
I am tired of paying for other people's mistakes
I am tired of this prison
I am tired of expectations, careless and unrealistic
I am tired of blind sheep and loud parrots
I am tired of being tired

Stupid Fights

Don't warm up that chicken

Don't give him the toothbrush first

What do i want to do with my life?

The most honest, illogical, heartfelt answer i can come up with

I Want to save the world.
I Want to be a hero.


I have always wanted it, since i was a child. I felt that internal need to sacrifice myself for the good of earth and the planet. It was never about me.
People like to use cliche phrases like "Lack of motivation", "Low self-esteem"
I've always felt that they just didn't get it. I am motivated. I am totally comfortable with myself.
You just don't understand what you're seeing, and you're placing me into the closest mental container you have for people like me.

Why i am getting divorced.

• I am not happy
• I no longer receive the most basic actions of respect, diligence, peace, or positivity
• I am being treated unfairly
• I do more than my share, and it goes unnoticed, and at the same time is criticized
• I no longer have any motivation or ambition to improve anything for anyone
• Did i contribute to this situation?
• Yes i did
• I am just as responsible for this outcome as my wife
• I did not care enough to to anything about the situation, because deep down, i was never happy
• I chose to ignore the facts, and believe that i could "live with her shortcomings"
• That was my mistake
• Why does it all go wrong?
• Being boyfriend/girlfriend is different from being husband/wife
• One relationship ends, the other begins. No matter how long you have been together, you do not know what this person will be like when they are married (unless they have been married before)
• Being Mother/Father is different from being Husband/Wife
• One relationship ends, the other begins. No matter how long you have been together, you do not know what this person will be like when they have children (unless they have had children before)
• More children makes it harder
• Meddling parents makes it harder
• There is a fine line between being helpful and supportive, and being meddlesome
• Parents have to learn this on their own
• Lack of money makes it harder
• Love is not enough
• Honesty is not the best policy
• You need to learn how to tell people exactly what they want to hear, and not the truth
• Truth leads to unhappiness and resentment
• 
  
• What have i learned?
• Find someone who knows the value of time, money, respect
• Find someone who is constructive
• Find someone with strong breeding and good genes, with no mental illness, genetic disorders or learning disabilities in the family (These things matter when the children show up)
• Culture, Religion, Class, Race ALL MATTER
• Love is not enough
• How can i predict the future?
• Look at her mother, she will be exactly like her
• Look at her father, you will be just as happy as he is, if you are exactly like him
• Look at their home, your home will look the exact same way
• Look at how they treat each other, you will be treated the same way

The most hurtful things ever said to me by my wife

I don't think she realizes the negative effects that these statements have on the way i see her, and our relationship.
Trying to "discuss" these things just leads to shouting, and it eventually happens again anyway.

• She asks "Are you finished eating?" I reply "Not Yet" She says "I was talking to the children, I don't care if you eat"
• Whenever she has to do anything, she begins her sentences with  "Let your worthless wife do..." (Is she actually worthless? she thinks so. If i say anything in response, it turns into a fight)
• "I'm going to give the box of juice to my sister, should  i pay you for it?"
• 
  

My Bread in a bag for kids

https://joyfulhomemaking.com/2016/12/kid-friendly-bread-bag-mini-loaves.html

https://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/recipes/a54346/bread-in-a-bag-recipe/

My Pasta

• Fill pot with enough water to cover pasta
• Tablespoon of salt
• bring water to rolling boil
• Angel pasta - 4 mins
• Stir to prevent sticking
• pour into colander, drain
• salt, pepper, olive oil, mix

I hate it when my wife - Makes me feel bad about my family

Our families do things differently.
But my wife makes it a point to harp on any minor issue that comes up with my family.
I do not do this to her. Her defense is that her family does not ask for the same things, or treat me the same way, but this is because i do not have a close relationship with her family. None of her family members would start a conversation with me.
My family on the other hand has tried to include my wife, and speak to her, but she sees this as annoying, and would rather just be left alone.

If any of them does something, and she does not approve, she makes all of these comments about them that i have to just sit and endure. If i make any motion to say anything in their defense, it turns into a large fight, with her basically giving the ultimatum to choose between her or them, and decide who has priority.

I suppose the correct answer is to minimize her contact with my family. But this feels counterproductive. It feels like i'm creating a problem instead of solving one.
But oh well.

What is true progress? Examples

True progress is any act that improves the quality of life permanently and has minimal adverse effects.

Every action has a +progress, -progress value. Only net positive progress actions are true progress.

Human advancement is any net positive change that makes some people consider themselves better off without making anyone else worse off.

Quality of life Factors

• Material living conditions (income, consumption and material conditions)
• Productive or main activity
• Health
• Education
• Leisure and social interactions
• Economic and physical safety
• Governance and basic rights
• Natural and living environment
• Overall experience of life

https://web.stanford.edu/~moore/Chapter1.pdf

Examples: Controlling Fire, The Wheel, Water treatment systems, Sanitation & Hygiene, Medication,The Guillotine

Examples of false progress: Rewarding effort instead of results, Upcycling, destruction of resources, marketing

I hate it when my wife - Comments on how "successful" her friends are

Today, my wife passed some comments about all of her other friends moving into their new houses.
"Friend 1is moving in her new big house, and friend 2 is moving into their new house. Sigh."

A previous me would have commented on this by saying something along the lines of "Good for them"
But that would have led to a "discussion" about our current situation (we have a regular house, nothing fancy, needs work) and would have eventually led to a fight because i feel like she's criticizing me, and i feel like a failure because i couldn't provide a big fancy house like all her friends.

Now, every article online says all this fancy stuff about "don't let people treat you like that".
All the religious junk says "don't covet thy neighbour's belongings"
But the reality of life is, you're stuck to your wife, and she will make you feel like shit whenever she feels like she's losing the status race among her peers.

So now i know that the correct action is to say absolutely nothing, and pretend you didn't hear it. Because the reality is, she wasn't actually saying it to me, she was saying it to herself. I understand now that there is no logic to their comments, and that they really are just verbal triggers that happen as a result of some emotional imbalance at that point in time due to some random social media post.

Afterwards, they like to say things like "i meant to say that to get on your nerves"
It's all bullshit. They don't actually think about what they're saying, or have any ulterior motives. Everything that falls out of their mouths is a symptom of some emotional imbalance at the time. It's like permanent tourette syndrome.

So don't get caught by the trap of even validating what they're saying as something real.

Men are brought up to know that they are only as good as their word, and when you say things, you mean them. Women are never taught this. for women, words are just ways of expressing what's going on in their heads, and are not things to be held to. Unless you're a man.

When you feel like you can't do anything right...

Your brain believes what you tell it.
Each thought about being worthless is another brick in that tower of worthlessness you're building.

The important thing to remember is to identify the source of the thought.
What can i learn from this?

And to remember that this is a fleeting moment, and it will pass.
Do not act, or make any decisions while you are in this state.

Eat, drink, have a bath, go to sleep.

Recall what you have learnt from the experience.
Find somewhere quiet.Think positive thoughts to balance out the negative.
Say them out loud.
Breathe and repeat.
http://aimhappy.com/6-mantras-for-positive-thinking/

1. This thought is a choice (Spirit)
1. You attract what you put out. If we want to feel an abundant return of good energy, we must get into the space, and the willingness, to give good energy first. Give happiness away and it is yours to keep. Think positive thoughts and you will see more to be positive about.
2. Happiness is here (Heart)
1. Lasting happiness is unconditional, and not dependant on anything outside of ourselves
2. Our default state is happy. We allow external factors to suppress our inherent happiness
3. Whatever feeling washes over you, let it happen. Do not resist. Surrender to your sadness or anger or whatever negative emotion is trying to come to the surface, just know you don’t need to wallow there forever. It doesn’t define you, but it will guide you.
3. Learn by doing (Hands)
1. When you try an experiment, any outcome is considered a success. There’s no criticism with an experiment because you don’t need a victory; you just need an answer
4. This too shall pass (Feet)
1. Continue moving
2. Everything changes, and whatever you’re experiencing in this moment will not last forever. Forms are temporary. No negative emotion or situation is permanent, and this realization creates space to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
3. What is not manifested will eventually return to the un-manifested state from which it came.
4. Acting on negativity manifests it, and makes it permanent. Never act in a negative state of mind. Walk away.
5. There's enough for everyone (Core)
1. There is enough of everything—enough money, enough time, enough love, enough praise, enough happiness, enough sadness, enough of everything that we need.
6. Be easy (Mind)
1. Focus on one thing at a time and infuse each moment with your attention, presence, and gratitude.
2. This mantra is also a reminder to be easy on yourself. Trust your inner wisdom to guide you to where you need to be, but keep the process of getting there simple. Don’t over-analyze everything. Keep it easy. Take it easy. Be easy.

On Love - The abscence of judgment

This quote passed my feed, and got me thinking...

"Love is the Absence of Judgment - Dalai Lama"

Judgement naturally occurs when you encounter some object or situation that did not meet or exceed your expectations.
This is a natural reaction that allows us to compare things when making any decision.
So let's assume we're talking about people only from this point on.

Absence of judgement means one of two things

1. True Natural Love - The person has met or exceeded your expectations, and you have nothing to complain about. This is perfect. I Love them.
2. Forced Convinced Love - I know that i'm not supposed to judge people i love, so therefore i will not pass judgement on this person, even though i really do have fault, but i am choosing not to openly judge. I am subjecting myself to this torture for this person. I Love them.

Therefore, the measure of true love comes from whether or not your expectations will change over time.

On Ikigai

I am having serious trouble trying to figure out what the world needs.
So far, this is my train of thought

• What does the world need?
• What is the world's goal?
• If we look at the world as a single organism, what would it be trying to achieve?
• Nothing.
• The world does not choose what it wants
• The world is a product of all of the external forces that have shaped it into what it is today

Finding meaning in life

https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2017/08/is-this-japanese-concept-the-secret-to-a-long-life

How to prune a tree

https://www.bonsaiempire.com/basics/styling/pruning

Habits for Mental Health

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YbWRqsnHdo

1. Smile - Think of someone or something that makes you happy. Smile about it. Real smile for one minute
2. Be Mindful - Be aware of the thoughts and ideas coming into your brain. Create a buffer zone. Organize the inputs. Actively identify negative or poisonous thoughts, and do not allow them into your brain to affect your mental state
3. Breathe - Close eyes, Focus on deep breathing for one minute

How to be a good Husband

Growing up, i always thought i knew what it meant to "be a man".
Only now do i realize that no one ever taught me how to "be a husband"
I guess i followed the example set by my parents, and i assumed that was the correct thing to do.
It had never occurred to me that my parents were doing it wrong, and that they had no clue how to treat each other well.
I realized that this is something families do not discuss.

This is the vicious cycle i can clearly see happening now that i am in the situation.

• "Single Boy" and "Single Girl" personalities fall in love, they get married
• "Husband" and "Wife" have Child 1
• "Husband" attempts to become "Daddy" by using his experience from his own parents, and tries to improve on the perceived shortcomings of his parents
• "Wife" attempts to become "Mommy" by using her experience from her own parents, and tries to improve on the perceived shortcomings of her parents
• "Daddy" and "Mommy" slowly start to realize they no longer love each other the same way, because they are no longer "Single Boy" and "Single Girl"
• Child 2 comes along
• "Daddy" tries to continue "Single Boy" behaviour in an effort to recapture his lost self-image
• "Mommy tries to continue "Single Girl" behaviour in an effort to recapture her lost self-image" 
• They both drive themselves crazy trying to achieve something that can never be regained
• They are both so caught up in trying to regain their past selves, they do not focus on becoming "Husband Daddy" and "Wife Mommy"
• The couple runs into problems, and decide to stay together for the kids
• They are stuck in the "Single Boy Daddy" with "Single Girl Mommy" dynamic, and instead, this is what they show the children
• The boys grow up believing that this is the correct way to be, and the "Single Boy Daddy" behaviour is mistaken as "Husband Daddy" behaviour, but it is not
• The girls grow up believing that this is the correct way to be, and the "Single Girl Mommy" behaviour is mistaken as "Wife Mommy" behaviour, but it is not
• The reality is, once parents get into the cycle of "Staying together for the kids" the kids no longer have a proper example of how to be a "Husband Daddy" or a "Wife Mommy", dooming them to future marriage problems

The Solution

• We need to focus more on being balanced Husband Daddy, and Wife Mommy, and not assume that what our parents were doing was correct
• Husband Daddy
• Never Criticize. Express your concerns without being critical. Focus on the situation, and not the person. Criticism from a spouse causes far more damage than either party realizes.
• Make special occasions special. This is not the place to try to save money.
• Don't sweat the small stuff. Everything is small stuff
• Get the kids to bed early. Schedule spouse time.
•